Civil to one another

Fri, Jul 02, 2010

As the Civil Partnership Bill goes through the Dáil, Fiona McCann talks to three couples about how it will affect their relationships

‘We consider ourselves to be as good as married, so we consider this to be almost ticking a box’

Michael Walsh, partner in the law firm BryneWallace, and Des Crowley, doctor, have been together for 12 and a half years. They plan to become civil partners, and have a civil partnership ceremony already organised for later this month, with a blessing in the Unitarian Church followed by a meal and celebration for friends, family, colleagues and business associates.

Des Crowley (left) and Michael Walsh. Photograph: Alan Betson

MICHAEL : We consider ourselves to be as good as married, we consider ourselves to be family . . . so in some respects we consider this to be almost ticking a box. But going through a process of preparing for the Civil Partnership ceremony has been an enlightening experience for us because it actually has brought new definition to our relationship, and brought about a renewed commitment.

DES : Initially, for me anyway, it was about just protecting the legality of the relationship . . . but I have been really surprised how the experience of the last month or six weeks has actually changed that and how much more important it has become to me.

MICHAEL : There have been certain elements of the LGB community who might have rejected the whole notion of civil partnership because it’s not full marriage. And whereas I agree in part with the sentiment that what will be provided for in law doesn’t go far enough, it certainly goes far enough for us to be acceptable, particularly in our own individual circumstances.

DES : Ultimately it is down to the practical issue of our home together, the tax situation, the pension situation, and what is really important for us is our next of kin. Because it’s extraordinary that . . . even though you may be living with a person for 12 years, if anything was to happen to you and you were unable to make your own decision, that the people that they turn to is your parents.

MICHAEL : For me the ceremonial aspect of it is really important, and although we are together 12 years, we haven’t yet stood in front of our nearest and dearest and said ‘this is it’. And to have the opportunity now to do this and for it to also mean something from a legal point of view is fundamental.

DES : While it would have been preferable if the legislation had included the rights for gay parents to adopt, there is an expediency about it as well. If you continue the next five or 10 years fighting for that right, in the meantime so many other situations are not regularised, and some people do not have the luxury of time. They’re unwell, or they’re elderly, and there are a lot of complicated legal issues that need to be sorted out for these couples.

MICHAEL : I’ve been writing to the Minister every fortnight, explaining to him the date of our blessing and how important it is that the Bill would have cleared through the main house of the Oireachtas before our date . . .What is important to us is the certainty that it will happen, so we decided to press the button with the sense that it was effectively a done deal . . .

I’m sure we’ll look back in years to come and wonder why it took so long for the State to finally recognise that it isn’t a bad thing to recognise love between consenting adults and a love that’s about long-term commitment and the creation of family.

‘This Bill is not going to do anything for us, for our family. And legally, our family doesn’t exist’

Orla Egan-Morley and Catherine Egan-Morley have been together for more than eight years, and have a four-year-old son called Jacob. Catherine is director of Southside Travellers Action Group, and Orla is training and development officer with BeLonG To youth services.

ORLA : It should be a day for celebration and I just feel really disappointed that the politicians haven’t had the courage to legislate for equality and take a child-centred approach to the legislation. [This Bill] is not going to do anything for us, for our family. And legally, our family doesn’t exist.

CATHERINE : I feel let down for my son because it doesn’t acknowledge his place; It doesn’t make any reference to his rights to have two parents, which he has . . . It hits me very deeply because I am his non-biological parent. It hits me on an equality level, but it also hits me on a gut level.

ORLA : Jacob asked me recently, “What’s marriage? What’s a wedding?”. And I said, “Sometimes when people love one another very much it’s a ceremony they do to mark that love.” He looked at me and Catherine and said “We all love one another, why can’t we get married?” How do you explain to a four-year-old that there are some people who think your family is not worth protecting? . . . I don’t care about the money stuff; I care about the rights of my child. I could get up in the morning and take him away from one of his parents and neither he nor she would have any right to fight back.

CATHERINE : We’ve been living together for almost eight years. We own our home together. . . it only takes one person to look at the letter of the law, and if I have him in the hospital and he has a broken leg, I won’t be allowed to make any decisions because I’m not his legal parent or guardian. Right now in the eyes of the country we live in, in the place that we’re committed to, where we bought our home and live our lives, Orla is a lone parent and I’m a single woman . . . The most public commitment we could ever make to each other is have a child together.

ORLA : We spent a long time planning to have Jacob . . . we changed our names by deed poll so that we all shared the same surname, Egan-Morley. We made sure we had our wills in order, we took as many legal steps as we could, but the bottom line is that there is no legal relationship there between Jacob and one of his parents . . . We don’t want to go somewhere else to get married and not have that marriage recognised here.

I want to be able to get married, and have Jacob have a formal legal relationship with both of his parents in the country where he lives.

‘The ritual, the declaration, it’s an affirmation. People forget that. Everyone should be entitled to that’

Don McClave and Wil Matthews have been together for seven years. Don is an Apple Mac specialist and technical support operative and Wil is a public servant. They had a Civil Partnership ceremony in Belfast earlier this year.

DON : It was pretty much love at first sight - we moved in together after about six months. We’d both been aware of marriage and civil partnership as a political issue, but around the time we were five years together, we said we’d really like to do this. We decided that if we waited for the pace of legislative progress here, we’d all be dead and buried.

We could have gone to Spain or Canada and gone for a full marriage, but that wasn’t practical for economic reasons, and since such marriages weren’t going to be recognised here - we’d been following the Zappone-Gilligan case - we thought we’d be more realistic about it. Civil partnership in Belfast was doable.

WIL : We went up to lodge our petition to have our Civil Partnership in December, and we had it on the 17th of April . . . We had some family members who were not getting any younger and we wanted them to have the day out, and we wanted to be able to get up in front of our loved ones and make a declaration of love for one another . . . It was a really joyous occasion. And even though we’ve been together seven years, our relationship feels different now.

Even though we’re not recognised here, we’ve no legal standing, to us it just feels different. The ritual, the declaration, it’s an affirmation. People forget that. Everyone should be entitled to that and everyone should be entitled to having that celebration with family and friends. It’s not a gay right; it’s just a fundamental human right.

DON : Every step is progress, and we welcome this Civil Partnership Bill, but even so, it’s not enough. We want marriage: not gay marriage, just marriage for all . . . [with this new Bill] presumably when we can present our certificate and have it recorded and acknowledged, we can look at practical things.

There have been some situations where Wil’s been in hospital and I haven’t been able to go through with him to the A&E procedures. So having that kind of recognition, that would give some measure of protection with a hospital official . . . And in the areas of social welfare, inheritance, next-of-kin rights, immediately we have some kind of status.

WIL : While this bill is fantastic and we do welcome it, we will gain some rights and entitlements, but not all, and we’re very clear about that: there’ll be many that we won’t be entitled to.

DON : They’re picking and choosing where they confer equality, but you can’t have equality where you are creating a separate legal classification for same-sex couples.

© 2010 The Irish Times

David Crary’s article, “For Same-sex Couples, a Patchwork of Marriage Laws” highlights the importance of preparing legal documents to protect your wishes and loved ones, especially if you are in a same-sex relationship. Marriage laws for same-sex couples vary from state to state, county by county, without any legal documents it will be harder to protect your wishes such as direct who you want to visit you in the hospital in case of an emergency; name a specific person to make health care decisions for you when you can’t make them for yourself or state the medical treatments you desire in times of a crisis.

Estate planning is an opportunity to protect your wishes and loved ones - LegalOut provides you with affordable solutions to start your estate plan - get started now for a piece of mind!

For Same-sex Couples, a Patchwork of Marriage Laws

By DAVID CRARY
The Associated Press
Monday, May 10, 2010; 12:00 AM

PHILADELPHIA — When government forms inquire of her marital status, Isabelle Barker sometimes resorts to an asterisk and an explanatory note.

She and her wife, Cara Palladino, got married five years ago in Massachusetts. Six months later, for job reasons, they moved to Pennsylvania - one of the majority of states that do not recognize same-sex marriages.

Hence the asterisk.

“I’m not single. I’m married in Massachusetts, but I’m not married in Pennsylvania, I’m not married in the eyes of the federal government,” she said. “It’s this weird limbo, this legal netherworld.”

Pictured left: Cara Palladino (left) and Isabelle Barker (Matt Slocum/ Associated Press).

Barker and Palladino, and their 15-month-old son, Will, have plenty of company across the United States as gay and lesbian couples confront an unprecedented and often confusing patchwork of marriage laws.

Historically, such laws have been the jurisdiction of the states, not the federal government, and the common practice throughout U.S. history has been for any given state to recognize a marriage performed legally in another state.

The advent of same-sex marriage in 2004 has changed all that.

Five states - Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire and Iowa - and the District of Columbia have legalized same-sex marriage. New York and Maryland recognize those marriages even though same-sex couples can’t wed within their borders. California had legal same-sex marriage for about five months in 2008.

However, the federal government doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage, nor do the vast majority of states, including Pennsylvania. Even with a valid out-of-state marriage license, gay and lesbian couples in those states face uncertainty, extra legal bills and inevitable rebuffs that straight couples avoid.

Barker and Palladino, who began dating in 1998, moved from New York to Massachusetts in 2004 and married in February 2005 in a low-key ceremony at a Northampton coffee shop.

They had previously exchanged commitment rings - the chief motive for marrying was to obtain health insurance for Barker through Palladino’s job at the University of Massachusetts.

Later in 2005, Barker’s own academic job ended and she was offered a postdoctoral fellowship at Bryn Mawr College outside Philadelphia. The couple decided to move, though they knew there’d be drawbacks.

“In Massachusetts, people understood what our relationship was,” Palladino said. “I miss being able to say, ‘Oh, we’re married’ and not having to explain it any further.”

Barker elaborated.

“When you’re in Pennsylvania, you’re constantly having to wonder, “Do they get this? Do they not get this?’” she said. “You get these looks of befuddlement.”

Day to day, there’s plenty of support from friends, neighbors and employers - Barker coordinates summer programs at Bryn Mawr, Palladino is a fundraiser at the University of Pennsylvania. They feel comfortable in their diverse Philadelphia neighborhood, Mount Airy, and send Will to a day-care center patronized by several other lesbian couples.

But frustration was evident as they told of the hoops they had to jump through, at extra cost, to amass legal documents they wouldn’t have needed in Massachusetts - including a second-parent adoption giving Palladino parental rights along with Barker, who is Will’s biological mother.

At their lawyer’s advice, the two women have stored their legal forms on flash drives that they carry constantly.

“We’re 12 years into our relationship,” Palladino said. “I’d just like to know when we’re done proving it over and over. … To have to work harder and save harder to make up for what everybody else gets just as an entitlement does really make me angry.”

Same-sex couples in non-recognition states received a modest boost from President Obama in April, when he ordered new rules providing such couples with visitation and medical decision-making rights in any hospital participating in Medicaid or Medicare.

Evan Wolfson, who heads the advocacy group Freedom to Marry, called the directive “a small, but welcome step forward.”

“Of course, the real cure is to end exclusion from marriage,” Wolfson added. “Piecemeal steps, addressing one protection at a time, will take up a lot more time than either the administration or American families can afford.”

Wolfson says the current patchwork not only discriminates against gay families, but also causes headaches for employers who have to consider the diverse laws as they weigh transfers of employees with same-sex partners.

Gay and lesbian couples who turn to the courts when they break up are getting mixed results in non-recognition states. Judges in Oklahoma and Pennsylvania recently denied divorces to same-sex couples who had married in Canada and Massachusetts, while New York and New Jersey have granted such divorces even though they don’t allow same-sex marriage.

In Texas, Attorney General Greg Abbott is appealing the decisions of judges in Dallas and Austin to grant same-sex divorces. In Arizona, some lawyers have succeeded in getting out-of-state same-sex marriages annulled on grounds they were never legal under state law in the first place.

The Alliance Defense Fund, a conservative legal group, represented the speaker of the Oklahoma House of Representatives in a recent unsuccessful lawsuit by a woman who’d had a same-sex wedding in Canada and sought to divorce in Oklahoma.

“The government cannot issue a divorce for a marriage it doesn’t recognize,” said ADF senior legal counsel Austin Nimocks.

The uneven legal landscape poses daunting challenges for lawyers who work with same-sex couples - not only on divorces but also on estate planning, parental rights and other matters.

“It seems like every state has a different law,” said Phoenix lawyer Kathy Gummere. “We have people who are married in some states and not married in others, which, in this day and age of everybody moving around all the time, is ludicrous.”

For some couples, among the most galling problems is trying ensure that both are legally recognized as parents of their children. Many states allow second-parent adoption for same-sex couples, which addresses this situation, but many other states do not.

That’s been a problem for Cari Searcy and Kim McKeand of Mobile, Ala. They married in California in September 2008 during the brief period before same-sex marriages were banned there by a ballot measure, Proposition 8.

It was a whirlwind wedding trip, and the couple promptly returned to Alabama - a state unlikely to recognize same-sex unions without some sort of federal mandate that for now seems far away.

Even with a marriage license, Searcy has been unable to complete a second-parent adoption and is not recognized by Alabama as a legal parent of the couple’s son, Khaya, whom McKeand gave birth to in 2006. Yet despite that rebuff, there’s no talk of moving out.

“We’re from the South - this is our home,” Searcy said. “If everybody moves to states that recognize, it, how are we going to change?”

Day to day in Mobile, there’s little practical benefit to being married, Searcy said, though she and McKeand enjoy referring to each other as “my wife.”

“One of the biggest things - now that Khaya is talking - he’s constantly going around telling people, ‘My mommies are married,’” Searcy said. “He’s really proud of that. Seeing that through his eyes, that’s pretty special.”

Carrington Mead, a lesbian attorney from Jacksonville, Fla., struggles with the complex array of laws both in her practice and in private life. She considers herself married, based on a civil union obtained in Vermont in 2008 - but Florida doesn’t recognize the relationship.

“I feel I’m beating my head against the wall,” said Mead, a Navy veteran. “It’s frustrating to be an officer of the court, charged with upholding the law, and sit there realizing you have fewer rights than the people you’re serving.”

Attorney Tiffany Palmer counsels gay and lesbian couples in Philadelphia, helping them sort through the array of legal protections they might need in a state that doesn’t recognize their unions.

When clients raise the possibility of an out-of-state marriage, “I often advise them, it’s probably better that they don’t,” Palmer said.

“But there are so many things attached to marriage beyond legal conditions,” she said. “They go forward anyway, even though it’s not necessarily an easy path.”

Indeed, Palmer and her partner of 10 years plan to ignore the legal cautions themselves and get married July 4 in Vermont. Their 3-year-old daughter will be the flower girl.

“She’s starting to learn and understand what marriage is,” Palmer said. “Now she knows that two adults who love each other, even if they’re two women or two men, can get married.”

Unlike Alabama, Pennsylvania is receptive to second-parent adoptions, so same-sex couples can fairly readily establish that both are legal parents of any children they have.

Tracy and Mia Levesque, Philadelphians who got married in Canada in 2003, said the marriage license helped speed a second-parent adoption after the birth of their 3-year-old daughter, Josephine - with the judge seeing no need for detailed questions about their relationship.

On other fronts, though, lack of marriage recognition can be grating - for example, when they file separate tax forms, with separate deductions, despite raising a daughter together and jointly owning a website design firm.

“It’s ridiculous,” Tracy Levesque said.

Another Philadelphia couple, Gisele Pinck and Kathy Coyle, has been going through tri-state legal gyrations.

They own a house in Massachusetts, where they married in 2004 and still spend the summers. They work and pay taxes in Pennsylvania, which won’t let them file jointly. And last year, they decided that Pinck would give birth to their son in New Jersey because that state’s laws - unlike Pennsylvania’s - allowed them both to be listed as parents on the original birth certificate.

They still felt a need to spend roughly $2,500 for Coyle to go through a second-parent adoption in Pennsylvania so she’d have parental rights there.

“In some ways that doesn’t seem fair,” Pinck said.

On the other hand, Pinck and Coyle say their employer, a Quaker secondary school, fully supports their relationship. That’s a trend nationwide, as more employers respect the marital status of gay and lesbian workers even if state governments don’t.

In Lawrence, Kan., Dave Greenbaum and Mike Silverman say there are upsides and downsides to being husbands in a state which voted by a 70 percent majority in 2005 to ban recognition of any same-sex union.

They got married in California in 2008 but never seriously considered abandoning Lawrence, where Greenbaum runs a computer business.

“Even in a state like Kansas, unless someone is a complete bigot, they’re going to respect the intent behind the marriage license even if they can’t officially recognize it,” Silverman said.

Then there’s the nomenclature benefit.

“Until our marriage, I’d get semi-awkward questions from people - ‘What do you call Mike? Your partner? Your spouse?’” Greenbaum said. “Now it’s easier for family and friends. ‘OK, he’s your husband.’ It’s a framework that everyone understands.”

But the acceptance doesn’t carry over to tax season.

“Any time you’re filling out a tax form, you have to lie by declaring yourself single even though you’re married, so you don’t get in trouble with the government,” Silverman said.

Jennifer Pizer, marriage project director for the national gay-rights group Lambda Legal, says attitudes and laws affecting same-sex couples vary widely across the country - generating an evolving flow of “incredibly interesting legal questions.”

If a married same-sex couple wants to move to a non-recognition state, “it’s important to do everything they can do, with private legal documents and commitments from employers, to protect their families,” she said.

“It’s going to keep happening. People don’t decide whether to walk down the aisle or not based on the intricacies of interstate family recognition.”

—

On the Net:

Visit the Task Force to learn about State Laws Prohibiting Recognition of Same-Sex Relationships

Create a Basic Estate Plan:

At a minimum, any basic estate plan should include the following documents (click the link to learn more about the document):

• Hospital Visitation Authorization
• Living Will
• Health Care Power of Attorney
• Last Will and Testament
• Power of Attorney

Safeguard your relationship, secure your financial, property and health care rights by taking action now with LegalOut’s estate planning legal documents.

LGBT Spotlight: Coach Sappho

Are you a single individual looking for a meaningful relationship but dread dating? Are you in a relationship looking to enhance your connection with your partner? Relationship coaching will help you find the answers and provide the tools to spruce up your current relationship or attract your life partner.

LegalOut is pleased to feature expert relationship coach, Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, (AKA ‘Coach Sappho’) a Certified Singles Coach, dating and relationship coach, with over 20 years of professional experience. In addition to practicing independently for over 15 years, and earning bachelors and master’s degrees in psychology and social work, she has received specialized training in relationship coaching with the Relationship Coaching Institute, as well as personal, corporate and business coach training with Coachville.

Barb founded Coach Sappho in 2001, and was one of the first ‘out’ lesbian coaches, specializing in helping lesbian women find, grow and sustain ever more amazing love relationships. Coach Sappho has inspired hundreds of lesbians through her transformational coaching.

Barb Elgin comments on relationship coaching, “Great coaches help clients create grand visions, achieve satisfaction and savor the journey, from conception to fruition to harvesting! Great coaching inspires clients to both feed their souls and their real world needs and desires, by aligning purpose with action, and challenging clients to make real decisions and commitments to who they will be and what they will achieve in this lifetime.”

Whether you are…

• single and looking
• happily single, not looking for romance now, but seeking friendship or networking, personally and/or professionally
• dating
• in a relationship of one year or many years and you aren’t happy (or, even if you are)

Coach Sappho’s coaching services will help:

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• Couples discover keys to enhancing their relationship satisfaction and longevity

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Visit Coach Sappho

Looking for Advice? Check out Coach Sappho’s Blog - updated frequently with information and tips specifically for women-who-love-women. A must read for great relationship tips.

Sign up for Coach Sappho’s Podcast - Real, live, lively talk about lesbian dating, mating and relating.

Mention that you heard of us through ‘LegalOUT’ and receive 10% off your next purchase or service.

Joy and her partner, Beth, were together for six years living in Decatur, Georgia sharing everything from home, a business and expenses. In a tragic accident Beth passed away.

Beth fell off a ladder and was unconscious by the time she made it to the hospital, unable to communicate her wishes to family members. Joy was told to leave the hospital room because it was time for family members to make decisions about Beth’s care.

Since Joy and her partner did not have any legal documents, Joy had no legal rights to make any decisions on behalf of her partner. Joy was not allowed to visit Beth, since many states only allow legal spouses or family members - not lifelong partners. Beth’s family highly disapproved of her relationship with Joy and told the hospital staff not to admit Joy.

Joy was finally able to visit Beth after she pleaded with Beth’s family for a chance to see her partner of six years. Joy was not allowed to be part of any decision-making regarding Beth’s treatments even though Joy knew Beth’s preference for life-saving procedures, she could not instruct the medical staff, as she had no legal authority.

After Beth passed away, Joy was kicked out of her home. Without a will and Joy’s name was not on the deed, Beth’s family took everything.

If you die without making a valid will, you leave what is known as” intestacy”. Each state has different laws, but follow the same general pattern of how your estate is distributed, first to a legal spouse, children and biological family. The state of Georgia bans same-sex couple marriage. According to Georgia’s law, Joy’s relationship to Beth was not recognized.

Joy’s message to the LGBT community, “Please get legal documentation to protect your wishes. Families can be the worse and you never know until something bad happens. Losing your partner is hard enough to deal with but not being able to be there in her time of need was devastating. Do not keep putting off preparing legal documents.”

LegalOut, thanks Joy for her courage in talking to us about her experience. Joy is determined to share her experiences with the LGBT community in hopes she can help others avoid the similar situation she faced without legal documents.

If you anticipate a will challenge or hostile family members, you need to take even greater precautions in drafting your will. It is far less expensive, financially and emotionally; to plan now to make sure that your property goes to the people or charities you choose. At a minimum, any basic estate plan should include the following documents: Hospital Visitation Authorization, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, Last Will and Testament, and Power of Attorney.

The passage of Question 1 in Maine (a referendum vetoing the state’s law recognizing same-sex marriages) feels like one step forward and two steps back. Opponents of the state’s marriage equality law campaigned on fear and misinformation. We must not let our spirits be broken but continue to to fight for equality.

Read The Lesson in Losing by Cody Daigle on what we can do as a community to reach marriage equality.

We are delighted to present the second of several installments featuring the “Brides & Prejudice” series by Kirsten Ott Palladino from The Sunday Paper.

Kirsten is the Life & Food Editor for The Sunday Paper, a popular weekly newspaper. In her “Brides & Prejudice” series she openly shares the happiness and heartbreak that she and her then-fiancée (now wife) experienced in planning a same-sex wedding in Georgia. While reporting from the frontlines, Kirsten also shares advice on wedding-planning topics from wording invitations to floral arrangements. She and her wife recently wed in an intimate ceremony at the Mary Gay House in Decatur.

Choosing a venue, a day and a photographer
:

Planning a gay wedding is no easy feat. Maria and I will tie the knot in June, and we’ve had plenty of hurdles to leap—many of which were outlined in my cover story in the March 15 issue of The Sunday Paper. The first challenge we had to contend with was the where. Deciding the venue is of the utmost importance. It usually determines the when, as well as the theme, if any. We knew we wanted a spring or summer wedding, and we wanted to get married in Atlanta. Because we’re a same-sex couple, choosing some remote setting wasn’t plausible. Our top priority in planning our wedding has always been to find people who will treat us with the decency and respect that we deserve, and that usually means working with vendors inside the Perimeter. Of course, some gay-friendly wedding spots do exist beyond the walls of Atlanta proper.

For example, Serenbe in Palmetto, Ga., offers an extraordinary setting for vow exchanges out in a beautiful meadow overlooking a serene lake. However, Maria and I definitely wanted an in-town affair with close access to a bevy of posh hotels for our guests and very accessible for all of our vendors.

We also wanted metropolitan-minded folks who wouldn’t snub our guests. Since we’re both fans of the arts, we looked at the High Museum of Art as a venue. But we didn’t want to be on display for museum-goers. (You know how people stare at something they don’t see every day.) I’m a bit of a vintage girl, with an appreciation for antiques and history, so we chose an antebellum home just outside of Atlanta, but still within the Perimeter. It’s a smaller venue, perfect for our 75 guests. The home is already decked out in Federal Period furnishings, which sets the theme of romance. And the perfectly proportioned brick patio is ideal for a late spring wedding.

Since the venue is of prime importance for so many other key decisions-you can’t confirm other vendors until this one is settled-we did this first. Our venue had so many open dates when we booked that we had the struggle of having too many Saturdays to choose from. We whittled down the days by conferring with family members. Maria has a niece graduating from high school on June 6, so that was out. Mother’s Day weekend wasn’t ideal, nor was Memorial Day weekend, as so many people travel during that time. April made us choke-much too soon! Early May is my father and stepmother’s wedding anniversary. The end of June is much too hot for me, and I get really cranky in the heat. My late father settled the matter when he picked June 13. I asked him if he didn’t think that was an unlucky date. “Not at all,” he replied. “It’s never unlucky when two people in love get married.”

Yes, lucky in love is how I see Maria and myself. We’ve had the normal challenges any couple faces-gay or straight-but all in all, we’ve gotten through the first five years unscathed. We had a terrific get-to-know-each-other stage-Atlanta really is the perfect place for that, with all its fantastic restaurants. We’ve successfully bought and sold houses together in this rotten housing market. Maria gave me a whirlwind romantic proposal in Central Park. She was-and still is-my rock while I grieve my father. No matter how cheesy it sounds, I proudly admit that she’s my soul mate, through and through.

Hence, it was very important that we hire a photographer who could capture this on film. Gone are the days of still shots of the entire wedding party looking directly at the camera, saying, “Cheese!” Now, wedding photography is part photojournalism and very artistic. Upshots of the happy couple on a balcony, a close-up of the shiny wedding rings, the gown hanging on a door, the mother of the bride misty-eyed as she places her knowing hand on her daughter’s shoulder, a quickly snapped shot of the attendants clapping with glee. This art form certainly isn’t cheap, but it’s well worth it. So parents and grandparents sometimes suffer sticker shock, thinking the photography should be less costly. But it can sometimes be just as much as catering. It all depends on what your priorities are when planning your wedding day. For us, photography and catering were most important.

We got quotes from tons of photographers. In every e-mail I sent out, I started it with, “My girlfriend and I are getting married.” If they didn’t respond, I knew immediately they wouldn’t be ideal for shooting our wedding. Others wrote back but were hesitant in their wording or something just wasn’t jibing. In my business, I’m familiar with so many photographers, and so I already knew of Our Labor of Love photography. But I didn’t think we could afford them at first. A husband-and-wife team, Jesse and Whitney Chamberlin moved to Atlanta from California about six years ago. They’re hip, fresh and really cool. Their photography is almost ethereal, as they’re quite the masters of light. Maria and I explored their Web site and were hooked. Once we saw that they’d recently photographed other lesbian weddings, we knew they would be kind to us. It only took one meeting to confirm this, so we booked them right away. Our engagement photo session took place one chilly afternoon in November all over Decatur, with an industrial background setting the stage for a modern-day romance. The Chamberlins were so good about putting us at ease, too.

One of the many challenges of being a gay couple is that Maria and I are always hypersensitive to being snubbed in public when we’re even remotely affectionate. So to have a straight couple encouraging us to hold each other and open up in front of them was liberating. And once we got our photos back, we knew they were going to knock it out of the park on our wedding day. SP

Read the third installment of “Brides and Prejudice” in the next LegalOut newsletter.

More about Kirsten Ott Palladino Covering a diverse array of topics ranging from travel, weddings, the GLBT community, art, fashion and beauty to food, wine, design and luxury living, Kirsten contributes to a myriad of publications, including Art & Antiques, The Atlantan Brides, ARTnews, Atlanta, Executive Traveler, Southern Voice, Steinway & Sons, Rolls-Royce Owners Club Desk Diary and The Sunday Paper. Kirsten believes that community is all about continuity. In addition to her benevolent service history at homeless shelters, soup kitchens and other outreach programs, Kirsten is committed to providing up-and-coming journalists and media specialists with an honest and trusted mentor. She is a frequent guest lecturer at her alma mater, Kennesaw State University. For more on Kirsten Ott Palladino, visit www.kirstenott.com

Vermont is one of five states that now allow same-sex couples to marry. Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Hampshire and Iowa are the others.

Read the 365gay featured news story Same-sex marriages begin in Vermont -
http://www.365gay.com/news/same-sex-marriages-begin-in-vermont/

Hooray for Ben & Jerry’s check out how they are celebrating marriage equality in Vermont:

In partnership with Freedom to Marry we are gathered here to celebrate Vermont and all the other great states where loving couples of all kinds are free to marry legally. We have ceremoniously dubbed our iconic flavor, Chubby Hubby to Hubby Hubby in support, and to raise awareness of the importance of marriage equality.
http://www.benjerry.com/hubbyhubby/

A great reason to eat some ice cream today!

ATLANTA – LegalOut announced the addition of a new online do-it-yourself domestic partnership agreement, an important legal document for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender couples.  Since rights between same-sex couples in many states are governed by principles of contract law, and not family law, a domestic partnership agreement outlines the legal rights and responsibilities of each partnership in a long-term committed relationship. The easy domestic partnership agreement is the latest interactive legal document published by LegalOut in partnership with RocketLawyer.com.

The LegalOut Domestic Partnership Agreement identifies each partner’s responsibilities, such as how to share income, pay bills, and whether property is meant to be jointly or individually owned. This document can also help in the event of a separation by clarifying ownership of property and by specifying a dispute resolution mechanism.  The do-it-yourself document is easy and inexpensive to complete.

“When a same-sex couple decides to form a long-term committed relationship, it’s smart to obtain a domestic partnership document to help solidify the relationship by outlining the responsibilities of each partner”, said Attorney Allison McDonald of the The Law Office of Tavis L. Knighten, P.C, who reviewed the new domestic partnership agreement.  She continued, “A domestic partnership agreement supplements other estate planning documents such as: living wills, financial and healthcare power of attorney documents, co-parenting agreements, and hospital visitation authorization documents, all of which help to protect a couple’s interests.”

LegalOut‘s President, Lindalisa Severo said, “Many states do not recognize any form of same-sex couple marriage benefits, as evident in the recent ruling in California to uphold Prop 8. It’s important for LGBT couples to be proactive to ensure that their plans for the future reflect their own wishes. A domestic partnership agreement helps outline these wishes.”

Charley Moore, Rocket Lawyer’s Founder and CEO added, “We’re proud to partner with LegalOut to provide the Domestic Partnership Agreement online.  The LGBT community has unique legal needs, and LegalOut is leading the way to help fill that need. It’s essential for everyone to have easy legal documents to protect themselves and their loved ones.”

Thanks to LegalOut, it’s easier and more affordable for members of the LGBT community to take care of their legal needs.  The first legal document is always free, and for $19.95 per month users have unlimited access to all LegalOut documents and membership benefits, including an online vault to securely store the document, document sharing , electronic signatures, and more.

Start your domestic partnership agreement now!

About LegalOut

LegalOut is an online resource center that provides the LGBT community with affordable legal document solutions.  Powered by RocketLawyer.com™, LegalOut provides hundreds of do-it–yourself legal documents including living wills, domestic partnership agreements, financial and health care power of attorney documents, co-parenting agreements, and many others. In addition, the site provides resources to keep members informed, empowered, and protected – connecting LGBT individuals, families and business operators with lawyers who understand the unique needs of the LGBT community.

Guest Blogger, Bernadette Smith, owner of It’s About Time, discusses the joys of helping gay and lesbian couples create beautiful and meaningful weddings.

Five years ago, when marriage equality came to Massachusetts, I started my company to help gay and lesbian couples plan their legal wedding called It’s About Time.

Fast forward five years and 100 weddings, and as I write this, the news broke that New Hampshire, our neighbor to the north, just passed a marriage equality bill that the governor promises to sign.   This makes New Hampshire the 5th state in New England to allow gay marriage, joining Connecticut, Vermont, Maine and of course, Massachusetts.  Iowa in the Midwest also allows gay weddings.

What an exciting time to be a gay wedding planner!  I truly have an amazing job.

My clients from my most recent wedding live in Los Angeles and they brought themselves, about 30 friends to Massachusetts for their wedding.  Surely it’s great for the economy.  At the reception, one of the grooms said during his toast, “Thank god for Massachusetts for letting us come here to marry!”

It is quite special to be a part of history and to witness these couples celebrate their union, in many cases, after years of being together.  The guys from LA were married in their 25th anniversary year.  I see this all the time, and it brings with it such a sense of gratitude and appreciation for this right.  And it should – getting married is a big deal.

I find myself involved both in marriages and in weddings.  I work with many couples who are simply looking to elope where they can do so legally.  I have packages for luxury elopements which include everything from assistance getting the license and hotel arrangements to a mini wedding cake.  And of course, I plan large, extravagant formal wedding celebrations with hundreds of guests.

But whether it’s a marriage or a wedding, I have the best time, and really enjoy getting to know couples from all over the country. I have standing offers of places to stay in LA, NYC, Atlanta, Austin, St. Croix and more!  It’s a privilege to be invited into a couple’s lives and I can’t imagine a more perfect career.

I was America’s first gay wedding planner and five years later, I have lots of stories to tell and advice to share.  Do you have questions about getting married or wedding planning?  If you do, ask them in the comments and I’ll get back to you.

To contact Bernadette Smith, visit It’s About Time Events.

LegalOut Note:
If you are planning to get married or form a long-term committed relationship, ensure your interests are followed should something unexpected occur and protect your your partner’s wishes by preparing legal documents. At minimum, any basic estate plan should include the following documents: Hospital Visitation Authorization, Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, Last Will and Testament, Power of Attorney. Protect yourself now - create legal documents.

New Hampshire will become the sixth state in the U.S. to offer marriage equality to all couples. After many revisions to increase protections for religious institutions, Governor John Lynch signs the gay marriage bill into law.

Another step forward for LGBT equality!

For more visit: The New Civil Rights Movement